Walking under the surface of stars

Cuddling works

2008-02-23T07:45:00.001-08:00

When he made a soft face that I should move closer to him, it made me feel so.. giggly inside.
Also the time he was showering my forehead with kisses..
And that we were laughing together..

these are the moment that i consider priceless.

I will be willing to do anything just to experience it again.

How can he make me fall for him like it was just the first time?

Just when I least expect it to be...

2008-01-21T08:20:00.000-08:00

In the middle of fear and worry, a name popped on my screen...

and he greeted me on our special day.

I love you so much.

Feeling of Suspension

2008-01-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

The moon will soon be full..

Its time to let time wait.

Hugging is a way to feel the heartbeat of love.

2008-01-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

It feels so be good to be pampered. Especially if you lived most of your life trying to be independent. Of course you would expect your family to take care of you. But what if you're not home.. you have to deal with different kinds of people outside your comfort zone. As far as I have experienced, I sometime hate humans. They have this attitude of judging you and taking advantage of what you're weak about. Well.. I can say that because I have always been inferior. That may be the reason why I look so tough. Unconsciously, I've tried to create a feature that would make people think I'm tough.

So much for that..

I am such an emotional person. The fact that I am a girl is not helping. More so a human which is vulnerable to the thing called feelings.

But this thing called love. It defies all rules. It is where I learned that to make someone fall for you, you should be willing to give your unending love. That you should be willing to not receive anything at first. That sacrifice is the most foundation to make it worth it.

Everytime he holds my hand and caresses it, everytime he kisses my forehead, everytime he allows me to bury my head into his neck, everytime he carries me on his back, everytime he cooks for me, everytime he pays for what I need, everytime he accompanies me, everytime he smiles at me, everytime he carries my things, everytime he massages me, everytime he hugs me, everytime he smiles at me...

to receive all this when I thought I would never get the chance to from the beginning.. that I thought I would be forbidden to have it makes me cry with so much happiness.

I am just so thankful that I have him.

Especially the moment he said,

"kung palagi ka namang tumatanggi, wala naman akong magagawa"

He makes my words as an important factor. That he is actually giving me a choice about our relationship.. and so
my heart started to beat louder. I wonder, did he hear it?
Did he noticed that my hands were shaking and that I was making the I-am-falling face again?

Remembering all this makes me miss him more than what I already do. Right now, I'm holding on to Cinnamon as I kept on thinking about him.

I hope tomorrow its him that I'm hugging.

Consistent pecking that made my day.

2008-01-12T07:50:00.000-08:00

while I was burying my head unto his shoulders, as I let myself sleep lightly, I felt a warm breath on my face when it was cold all around. Then I felt lips upon my forehead, small kisses that means something big.

Kisses that touches the heart in between dreams and reality.

Kisses that I long for right now..

It just makes me melt when you do that.

Reaching You..

2008-01-08T07:16:00.000-08:00

He placed his warm hand on my cheek and asked,

"nahihilo ka pa?"

A while ago, I decided to be with him instead of being with my school friends. Since I also wanted to drink (oh yes I miss feeling tipsy) I decided to do so and have a break from my reality.. so that I may be able to infuse myself with his.

After one shot of brandy that scratched my throat and a bottle of Red horse. I thought I was just a little tipsy but when I stood up, oh boy.. was I more than tipsy. Well I was not afraid to be so since I have my boyfriend with me who is more conditioned on alcohol. I guess it was really immature of me to be careless, to drink more than what I could really handle. But I wanted to feel what its like to feel my reality go in reverse.

But I ended up making my boyfriend as my sitter. He let me hold onto him when I can't walk straight. He listened to me when I said words that weren't in my vocabulary in the first place and He leaned my head unto his shoulder when I was feeling so tired.

The best and the only thing that I could do was not throw up.

This situation, me being drunk, lousy (looks stupid) and tried to act normal (though i can't).. well I guess its his first time to see it. I was new to it either so I guess that is a suprise for the both of us.
But even so, he took care of me. The stories of men taking advantage over women who are intoxicated was spinning around in my head, like I was actually waiting for it. Yet all he did was hold me tight to prevent me from falling and shower me with kisses. While we were already in the fx, I was stopping myself from crying. I guess thats also one influence of alcohol, youre free from restrictions of what you used to think stops you but too bad I'm not that drunk yet to not stop me from doing it.

I have to grip his hands tighter to somehow slow down the blood flowing from my veins. Because that blood keeps my heart pumping fast which triggers the glands that makes my emotions more stronger.

Oo na, cheesy. Again. But this really are the moments that grips my heart till my tears run down my eyes. Its so sweet. Its so caring. It so warm. He always makes me feel that no matter what happens, he would be there to take care of me. That someone would always be there to catch me in time in case I fall.. and it makes the tears flood over my eyes.. because more and more I realize that the person who loves me is the person I would not stop adoring, desiring.. most of all loving.

When I showed him my true feelings and actions, he understood and believed me.

No one called me by name and made me giggle about it..

..but him.

Jake always gave me a lot of firsts.. and because of him, I can already smile at what used to be the old me..

Since I felt that this feeling was growing bigger.

p.s.
Sorry to make you drag me. Yes, I guess I did look funny.. But it was fun smiling with you while the night sky was twirling in my head. Thank you.

I love you so much.

The condensation of justification

2008-01-03T08:18:00.000-08:00

Date - noun (deyt)

1. The specified day of the month
2. A participant in a date
3. A meeting arranged in advance
4. A particular but unspecified point in time
5.The particular day, month, or year (usually according to the Gregorian calendar) that an event occurred
6. A particular day specified as the time something happens

I have seen people be hurt by this.
I have seen this be used by other girls as an excuse to make the other guilty.
It is the source of headache for men who forget it.

I never thought I would forget it too..

..and that is the lesson for this day.

I am just so lucky its okay for him that I forgot it.. but I hate the idea that I was not able to pass the test. He said do not make a big deal out of it but somehow, I cannot help not to. Its an important day, it was the time we first met. The first day my life had changed for good.

Why dont I make a deal out of it unlike other girls that I know?

Because I'm scared of waiting for that day that my special love one would forget it. That he would forget to greet me or remember that day and I know that would make me sad.

But the hell.. I never thought that what I don't want to happen to me will be the thing that I would do.

And this is why I make a deal about me forgetting it.

Do you know that you just overwhelm me? With the thing I always never expect? And you just texted me now..

"No amount of comparison will ever justify the beauty of the star scene in antipolo here in manila just like no amount of comparison will justify your beauty among the stars. I love you so much."

Anyone who dares to destroy this love, you'll be damned...

"Jake?"
"Kuya?"
"Totoo na ba yan?"
"Sana."

...because love is a labor, and I decided to slave till the end.

musings..

2007-12-30T02:21:00.000-08:00

oct 9 07

Inside an fx, i had buried my head into his shoulder and wished that i could always sleep beside him. He kissed my hair and said,
"soon"
"soon?"
"in 8 years, you would be."

_____________________

Why he tolerates my tantrums.
1. Its tolerable.
2. Its cute.
3. Every guy has to know he has to become a shock absorber.

_____________________

5 - 18- 07

Thank you
for making me smile, giggle, for staying with me
sa pagiging matapang
sa pagiging matigas ulo mo
for finding me
for saving me
without you
i wouldnt be this happy..

oh Jake.. i love you so much.

musings on a warm afternoon

2007-12-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Why is my net so damn slow?
Why do almost everybody slash their wrists?
has anyone been killed by silence?
When the acid rain falls into the sea, will it turn into an acid sea?
When the earth finally breaks out, where would the new earth be?
if everyone's writing is biased, then why read them?
What is the secret ingredient of the popular drink named Coke?
Why did my big sister gave me a big, fluffy pink pen?

How can Starboy's smile feel so warm?

Day dreaming at its best

2007-11-25T07:30:00.000-08:00

She was sitting on her bed. She closed her eyes to feel the intimacy, the warm fingers that is slowly crawling inside her shirt. His warm breath tingling her ears. Finally the hands reach her breast and gave it a soft squeeze. Then it started to fondle her erect peas. She started to breath heavily. This is driving her mad.
Later on, she felt a bulge behind her. This became her signal. She slowly pulled the hands away, stood on the bed, took off her shirt and positioned herself to sit on his lap and face him.
He was smiling.
She held his cheeks, plant kisses on it while feeling his hardness growing. She took off his shirt and started kissing his neck. He in return had put his hands inside her shorts and started caressing her butt cheeks. She wrapped her legs around him and kissed him passionately on the lips. She played with his tongue and tickling the palate. After doing this, she positioned his hands on the rim of her shorts, guiding him to take it off. She was not wearing any panties. She was wet. She pushed him so he would lie down and she went on top of him. She was brushing her body on him while kissing him. Then she licked his nipples, tingling him while her hand made its way inside his boxers. She felt that it was already secreting its pre cum. So she took off his shorts and put the head on her mouth. She tasted his pre cum and it was sweet. She sucked on it, like on how you would eat a lollipop. Licking, sucking, putting the tongue in the opening, licking it all around, sucking it all in, touching its rims with her lips and more licking to tickle it.
She could hear his breathing getting faster.
She then licked the balls and sucked it whole, playing it with her tongue while letting her fingers play with his shaft.
Then she took his hand and put it on her wet pussy. While she again sucked his hard dick, he was stroking her clit. She then took his finger and positioned it to put it inside her. He smiled and followed what she want. As she pump his dick with her lips, his finger was going in and out of her pussy. She was enjoying it so much that she started moving her hips, creating a rhythm. Despite of his dick in her mouth, she was moaning. Then she felt he was tensing up.
She then took his fingers, knelt on the bed and asked him to sit up again. As he did, she slowly, while kissing him, sat on his dick. She held on his shoulders for support and raised her hips to pump him. He could feel her wetness on his thighs as she was so wet, the way his dick goes in and out made him hold her waist to help her go faster.
The foreplay did fine, and now, they could now feel its near. Then as she had pushed him inside her, this time she tried to contract her muscles so her pussy would squeeze his dick. Then she heard him moan so sweetly. This drove her crazy and made her come at the same time as he did. She felt his warm milk gushing in her which made her orgasm more intense.

They both were breathing hard. She was smiling and kissed him.

"I love you." he whispered in her ear.
"I love you too... one more?" she smiled.

a day of melody

2007-11-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

I came in early so I decided to wait beside the entrance gate of his school since I was so shy to sit at the bench. I was wearing my uniform for God's sakes. Everybody was practically looking at me.

Then Karl came. He invited me inside to join the Sas org while waiting for him. After some hours, the president along with one of the facilitators, finally arrived. Despite of the hassles, he always give time to hold my hand and kiss me.

The workshop brought me closer to his orgmates. Actually that was the plan, I was so nervous since I can only count the people I knew well with one hand. I expected that he would surely be busy but this is my chance to be closer to his friends, or at least for now, let them know me by my presence. So that the next time I join them, they would feel comfortable with me.

So the workshop finally started. His friends were really good musicians that I could only watch in awe. The music they play are all random and created by instincts. Music that has been whispered by passion, I should say. My frustrations suddenly came back.. hay.. I want to learn how to play drums AND keyboards. But with my age, I think it's too late.

So I saw how the org works together, how the officers follow their president willingly. It was a great teamwork..everyone running around to get this and that, to do some last minute papers and things.

This gave me the urge to support him more.

On my way home, I was accompanied by his 2 orgmates. Chao and I had a serious talk about the org and the problems that I didnt know existed. This member told me how happy he is with the way things are going in this org and how Jake had been a big help to them. Seeing this person's contented face while telling me some points of the problems that evolves around the org made me guilty at the same time warm inside.

Guilty because there are times that I am having a hard time adjusting to these new circumstances which challenges me.. That sometimes when I cannot take it anymore I get so immature and do something stupid.

Happy because I see that he is doing real good things, that he is happy with what he does and ALSO makes other people happy. Makes me proud and more in love. Its also funny how his orgmates seems to treat me special. Oh yes I am the first lady so guys, I will do the best as I can to support your president and love him more.

This day, it made me see the friendship. It's great to have friends. I'm also thankful Jake have such great ones. The kind of persons who are smart enough to not judge you and crack jokes at the same time. Its nice to stay with them. Now I understand why Jake loves being with them and now I also want to be their friends more than ever.

Everyday I'm learning, its not easy, but its helping me to be a better person. I do hope Jake has enough patience for me because it wont be easy. But I will do the best as I can, overcome my limits and be a better person. For him, for my family and for myself.

Thank you for everything my love. For always accepting and understanding. I hope you wont get tired of me. I love you so much.

To the owner of this shoe...

2007-11-04T02:24:00.000-08:00

History of an introvert

2007-11-04T01:39:00.000-07:00

She was seeing a new scene.

A golf course right in the middle of the city. she was sitting by the intramuros wall and finally, for the first time, she could lay down on her back and look at the sky.
Having her special someone beside her, he offered her his arm and made her lie to him.

They were watching the birds fly in the sky.
"Oh how great this could be if we're both really on a big field." she thought.

She was always fascinated by the way the sun would fall down on him. Creating a mood by the soft touch of the mellow sun that's about to hide from the horizon.

Her heart is beating fast. It's the moments like this that makes her cry. She tries hard not to be emotional. To divert her close-to-crying-syndrome, she looks and tries to think other things. But no, her mind would always make her appreciate the thing that is presently happening. His strong hands wrapped around hers, with the sky raining them with its orange rays. The most important fact is, he is smiling at her. She knows he does not share that smile to just anybody.

These are the moments she would daydream while staying alone in the room. The moments after crying from pain, or whenever she feels lonely.

Now that it is happening to her makes her so happy. He was the one to make her feel that in so much happiness, you could cry.

She is having a hard time bearing the outburst of emotions that when it suprises her, all she could do is cry. She was not used to experiencing this. Why is she so fragile in front of him? She cannot keep anything from him.

She used to hate it when tears helplessly fall down, because no one would wipe them away from her.

So much for being independent. So much for saying I can go on my own. so much for saying I can handle my future with just being with myself.

All along, she was lying to herself. She said all these things to convince herself that she's not fragile or vulnerable. All along she realized that it was just courage that was making her run. She was not really strong, she just appears to be. The past suddenly came back. She thought it was all over. She was just running away.

She had been afraid and thought, maybe if i didn't say this or if i didn't do that, it would make me better. It did worked, but only for a moment. The more she had done it, the more it broke her. The more she is trapped and losing the future in her eyes. That is why she didn't plan. She was scared of just failing and expecting.

She was living the past. She needed help.

Her love stories turned to dark. To blood spills and chaos. She had found solace in serial killers and Gothic stories. Her want for violence made her appear strong. She enjoyed killing the zombies in the screen and handling guns made her hands warm. She was overjoyed having this power. A temporary stress reliever

Then her literature professor said to do things. Do this style, it would make you better. That style was non-fiction. Remember your past. But whatever she did, she cannot. It only made her worse. That made her lose her path.

She suddenly realized she was lost.
"Why can't I do this? What's wrong?"

She wasn't able to write. She had seemed to lose her touch. She tried to do things but ended in vain. Something is wrong.

In the end she realized it was because she did not want to face her past and so Reality has to find a way to test her.

The inevitable made her face him. Her most weakness.

Her family tried to keep her in the house to protect her. But what they didn't know her is that she had been emotionally abused in school. Her classmates made fun of her because her mom did not want to let her locks go past her ears. Girls would not make friends with her because she looked like a guy. The boys then would tease her.

What will not kill you would make you stronger.

It was part of growing up anyway. The name calling, the moments they make fun of you till it hurts, the teachers who thought so highly of themselves and also make fun of you. Yes, it is a world of cruelty. She cannot do anything. What could a kid do?

High school came, and some things had changed. The name calling was not for her anymore. She had turn to be a lady who had admirers. But people doesn't change. She is still an introvert. She appeared to be nice and so people took advantage of it. One teacher even scolded her of something she didnt do because she was the who looked like an easy target. But wrong, wrong. Enough of the sad stories. Yes, still an introvert. But wont let the same things pass by.

He was her weakness. She was still a girl after all.

She always smiles. That is what makes her seem nice. But those are polite smiles.

But ever since he came, she had found the difference of a smile meant to be nice and a smile that could make you warm inside.

Her birthday was not spent in her home that made her feel trapped. It was celebrated in a park, with her star having conversations with her. This time, they were sitting under the surface of stars.

Even when she enters a movie house. Now she doesn't end up freezing inside. Because she now have someone to hold her, someone whom she could hug and bury her face into when the romantic scenes tries to intimidate her.

Life wasn't really harsh. He IS part of it... and It just taught her how to smile.

Tracing the stars

2007-10-22T02:36:00.000-07:00

"Kung papipiliin ka,
anong mas gusto mo,
yung isang bagay na gustong gusto mo? o yung kukumpleto sa kung anong meron ka na?"

That was the question that stunned me while I was talking to my boyfriend. He asked me this question upon remembering the play entitled "Kaharian ng Araw".

While I was thinking about it, I reflected my own life at it. Aiming for something that you really want could also mean sacrificing everything that you have. But aiming for something that could complete the missing gap in your puzzle.. I think that is something I could relate into.

The other day, I have this friend who says she does not know what she wants. I told her, "maybe you don't know what you want because it's still with you."

So I reflected about the things around me.

Literature, which I promised myself I would take when I go into college is my current course in school. My classmates, who's also book addicts as well as techies, and almost as weird as me are my friends. My family who I think my humor was derived from coped with me no matter how bad my mood swings have become because of pressures from school. The house I've been living with ever since I was born, the keeper of my books and my comfort zone is still with us.. everything just boils down to one thing.

As we were talking, I answered his question, what if the thing I want most is the thing that could complete what I already have?

That the thing I want most is him and he is all I need to complete everything that I have.

Yes, yes, some may think this is absurd. But ever since I was a kid, Ive asked for a someone whom I could share everything I like with. Someone who I could talk to everything with without him thinking I'm weird. Someone who treasures words and stories like I do. Someone who would write letters for me. Someone who would laugh at my silly jokes. Someone who would hold my sweaty hands. Someone who would build sand castles with me. Someone who also likes adventures. Someone who likes daydreaming. Someone who can create things with his hands. Someone who is eager to learn and does not give up. Someone who risks things. Someone who would plunge me after dancing and kiss me. Someone who goes online like there's no tomorrow.

Someone who can love me for what I am and say that I am perfect for him.

I thought it was all too much to ask.

Until the 22nd day of March, 2007 came.

Now it has been 7 months of pure love. Moments that became perfect memories have happened and is still waiting to happen.

In 4 days, I would be celebrating my birthday... and its the first birthday that I would be really happy because I'll be spending it with someone that I have been waiting for all my life.

Xxxholic: Everyone has its own fetish. You just dont know it yet.

2007-10-07T04:05:00.000-07:00

There are indefinite things in this world unexplained.

No matter how weird it is,
Mankind will always be there,
Mankind will always observe life.
It will always be with
Mankind.

But it is the imagination.
But it is the past.

Person.
Mankind.
People.

People are the world's strangest creatures.

La la la la...

2007-09-25T04:45:00.000-07:00

"Pag-uwi mo, kumain ka muna pagkatapos pahinga ka na. Tapos gawin mo na thesis mo at wag ka na mag-cram ha."

he said that with a smile but with a voice that means "be-responsible!"

haha.. my boyfriend being a cute Don again. It is so nice seeing him like that. Being strict and all. This day has been my lucky day so far. I can't wait to see him again.

Yeah. Im all mushed up again. Sorry for the other readers (if there are any) I'm just so in love. Its been a while yet I still feel like its the first time.

I guess I'm so lucky to know him. My teddy bear.

This is where "miracle" and "suicide" goes altogether

2007-09-20T03:33:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is the deadline for my thesis and I still have to make at least 50.. no make that 60 pages of postmodernity-being-inconsistent-that's-why-graphic-novels-is-part-of-it thingy.

and guess what? Im typing my hours away when I'm supposed to be doing it! wahahahaha...f*ck.

My classmates have been asking us what's the easier way to do suicide.. even planning to do mass suicide. Where we would jump off a cliff and let a truck of tractor sweep our bodies away and laugh when they see that our skulls have nothing inside...

Before, I would agree to this. But now.. thinking that I have a boyfriend who is so unconventional and could be mistaken as a boss of a mafia makes me brush the idea away. Its just a f*cking thesis for God's sake. I would not lose my life full of his love just because of it! :D

Yeah.. this is how I really am. Im working my ass off but still has time for cheesiness. I just love him so much.

So I choose the former this time.

Making real or giving the appearance of reality or for short, realization.

2007-09-18T08:11:00.000-07:00

I used to think.. when he was not yet mine, if i fall in love, would I be able to understand my special someone?

Because if I could, it would be so nice. If I could fall in love and understand and cheer him up.

Which is why I'm so glad when I met him and we were just friends. That I could do it even if we arent together yet.

It became so much better when it became us. I can not only listen and make him feel better through words but also through with kisses and warmth.

Isnt that the perfect feeling? Of having be able to let the one you love smile?

Hearing melodies in the middle of intersection.

2007-09-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

While in a taxi cab, passing by the dim lights of the lamp posts, I gave him my other earphone so he could hear the music I'm hearing. Somehow realizing that only he and I could hear this melody. No other people are aware that this music is currently playing.

Like the music playing within me. Only he could hear that melody.

Only because it was created by him.